Greeting someone with stage 4

Kickinbull · Sep 9, 2016

Planning on visiting a guy we know that has stage 4 aggressive cancer. I wonder what would be the best greeting? I feel uncomfortable asking, "How you doing?"

Logan in SE Texas · Sep 9, 2016

"It sure is good to see you"

I understand your dilemma, I've had to do the same thing, it's not fun.

farmerwithmutt · Sep 9, 2016

Take a mutual friend with and don't worry about the how you doing it may seem bad but he might say I haven't given up yet. I've been there it's hard to know how much life can mean that's why I always took someone along that you can have a conversation with and bring up the good memories and if he feels like talking he can join in and sometimes sitting there hearing stories and a few lies well make his day. It will be hard but important to both of you. After a friend passed from cancer I will never forget totally unexpected his son walked up to me one day and told me no matter how bad my dad got you could always make him laugh. So for him and his family just go in and make this a special day .

Mike M · Sep 9, 2016

What ever happened to a simple "hello" ?

patiolant · Sep 9, 2016

I had a good friend die of cancer. It took two years from diagnosis to death. I was one of the only people that visited him at least once a week. Most friends just stopped visiting because they didn't know what to say. I let him set the conversation. Some weeks he would want to talk about his illness. Other times we would discuss cars, trucks, tractors, or whatever. Some times we would just sit there and look out the window.

It wasn't always comfortable for me, but it was really important to him. Cancer patients need to know that people still want to spend time with them, and really look forward to it as a break from thinking about their illness all the time. It helps them maintain a sense of normalcy in their lives.

Shortly before he died, he said to me that being terminally ill really showed him who his true friends were, and how much he appreciated the visits over the years.

LAA · Sep 9, 2016

''Good to see you'' is appreciated by most people whether sick or not, talk to him the same way you would if he was not sick, he knows that nothing you could say can change the reality of the situation. I would wager that he does not want sympathy, just to have as normal of a visit with his friend as possible.

Married2Allis · Sep 9, 2016

I visited a friend from my church who was also a firefighter in his last week of life with some horrible type of cancer.

The most important thing was being myself and trying to be as positive and sincere as possible. He was just glad to see me and anyone who visited. Don't even remember what I said, he barely looked like himself he was so far gone. But he was at peace because he knew where he was going very soon. He knew The Lord.

fixerupper · Sep 9, 2016

I'm facing the same situation you are in only with two people. This person is going through a form of grieving. I sit down beside the person or in front of the person and gently hold his/her hand, look at him in the eye and say hi or sometimes I don't have to say a thing. After the greeting it's a little awkward but usually I ask a question about something in his/her life and let it go from there. Yesterday morning I visited a neighbor lady who has just lost a daughter. She has already lost a son and husband to accidents, now this daughter died suddenly. I sat down with her and held her hand and looked her on the eye and just let her talk and weep. Pretty soon we were talking about family and she brightened up for a minute or two. Sometimes acting cheery right away is not the thing to do, in fact it is an insult because you are denying the seriousness of the situation.

tomturkey · Sep 9, 2016

The main thing is to just "GO". Nothing wrong with how ya doing today? Ya got any good looking nurses? Are they treating you right? Hey bud! Great to see you! Whether you both sit quietly, or converse, let your friend steer the moment. You'll do fine but don't let an awkward feeling keep you away. Afterall your going to walk in and walk out. I've lost a few that I was unaware of their situation until they had passed, would have liked to seen and visited with them. gobble

Tim1010 · Sep 9, 2016

You got a lot of good advice. The main thing is to visit.

oldtanker · Sep 9, 2016

We know a woman who was diagnosed with cancer this spring. Some type that has about a 10% survivor rate. If you ask her "how you doing/how are you" she breaks down and cries. I think the nice to see or good to see route is the way to go.

Rick

pete 23 · Sep 9, 2016

A little over a year ago, I stopped to visit a long time old customer from the dealership. Knew him also from church etc a little bit. I don't remember how I greeted him but after a little small talk, I thanked him for having confidence in having me work on his tractors etc. over the years. Just made me feel a little better and I think it did him also. He is gone now. His daughter just thanked me again a couple weeks ago for stopping in to say hi to her dad.

Richard G. · Sep 9, 2016

I visited a friend in hospice care who had a weak heart. Doc had told me he did not have long to live.
We talked about farming and what fish were biting in the lake. I said I will be back to talk some more soon. 1 hour after I left, his brother called and said he had just got word he had died.
Glad we had that happy few moments together.
Richard

Steve@Advance · Sep 9, 2016

Those visits can be very rewarding for both or can be awkward.

Some accept the situation, others don't do well with it. It is best to have someone with you, especially if you think the person might lean to the negative side.

Also keep in mind they may be under a lot of medication, and certain cancers attack the brain. If they say something that may be offensive, just overlook it, it's a symptom, not the truth.

And I always have a comforting prayer ready. A lot can be conveyed to a person through a heart felt prayer!

Dune Country · Sep 9, 2016

Visited a friend in the hospital a couple of years ago,stage 4,
I said "glad to see you" he said "glad to be seen"!!

Tom OConnor · Sep 9, 2016

I have been in those shoes many times, even with my brothers. Most important is you are there. The next thing is to tell them that it is sure good to see them. Then kind of feel the mood your friend is in. If they bring up the fact that they are terminally ill I like to remind them of the writings of James Mitchner. When he wrote about something or some place he started with the beginning of time. Even if we live to be a hundred years old it is only an instant in time. That being said we can always follow it up with the rest of us are just bring up the rear and will be joining them soon. If your friend doesn't want to think about it keep it lite and tell him some Irish Stories. I would never run out of them and at least I would get him to laugh. Just remember that when drinking, an Irish Story can get very careless with the truth and many cannot be retold from the pulpit. Hope this helps. Tom

Pair-a-dice farm · Sep 9, 2016

I would say it depends on the relationship you have with that person. I like the "good to see you" greeting. A few years ago I lost a good friend who used to be a big kidder. I always greeted him with a "I see your still getting out of work". He told me that he appreciated my gigging and he was always glad to see the ones that didn't get all weepy. That usually made me a little weepy. The main thing is to let them know that you support them and care about them, some need to hear those words and some know it without words.

dgasper · Sep 9, 2016

I went to the hospital for some lab work. Afterwords I went up to visit a family friend who was thought to have pneumonia. Her doctor had just left her room after telling her she had terminal cancer. I held her hand as both of us were in tears.

kyhayman · Sep 9, 2016

Too often we use the how are you doing as a casual greeting, we answer the expected ok for most dont really want the true answer. In this case, a heart felt 'how are you feeling' and then listen and let him talk is, I think, very appropriate. Its hard, I hate doing it and don't do it enough.

dhermesc · Sep 9, 2016

Agreed. But if you think listening to it is hard try living it.

Ted in NE-OH · Sep 9, 2016

Before you leave, tell them you are praynig for them, or pray with them. Pray for confort and peace of mind.

Kickinbull · Sep 9, 2016

Thank you all for the reply's.

01gentdc · Sep 9, 2016

amen ,agreed .. above all,, go visit ,..don't try to be a chatty Cathie,,. let them talk ,..as they wish ,.. when it is time for nurse visit ,,. move aside and be most helpful as far as giving space ,,. suggest the tv be turned down or off when the Dr. comes in ,,. and most of all when privacy issues and modesty seems to be at risk,.. suggest to leave the room and wait til procedure completed ,,.if allowed to stay in during Dr. visit Pat Close attention to Dr. and patient exchange of thoughts ,,.please know a healthy person can think more clearly than a very busy Dr. and a very sick patient .., if you must ask Dr. questions ,. gauage the response, and try to ,limit to 3 questions,. don't asking questions about who is gonna get what and what is gonna happen to what possession , property , or heirloom ,. however if they wish to discuss go ahead

Jon Hagen · Sep 9, 2016

Just replace How you doing ? with glad to see you!, and go from there. If he wants to talk about his cancer, let him bring it up.

Donald Lehman · Sep 9, 2016

One of my best friends died of a brain tumor that spread throughout the body a couple of years back. I just greeted him with, Hey Jerry, how you doing today, and kind of let him take it from there.

mj · Sep 9, 2016

I like LOGAN's reply, myself.

Greeting someone with stage 4

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